If anyone knows me they know that I really like music. Im particular about a few artists, but I’ll give almost any song a shot. Over the years I’ve become picky in what I’ll play for an extended period of time, but with so many new artists and new sounds out, music is only going to get better. Its the universal language, and I feel like there’s no real way to enjoy music if you havent heard as many different interpretations of it.
That being said, some artist’s reputations keeps me from listening to anything they put out. Even if the song came with a letter signed by Sallie Mae herself saying “You good”, I still wouldnt listen. We’re approaching a new year, and there are some changes that need to be made in order for me to not give up on today’s tunes altogether. I give to you, the 7 artists that need to stop making music in 2012.
1. Shawty Lo – By no means is he the only rapper that should be on this list, but he is by far the most egregious of them all. Of all the remedial lyrics that have come out of this guy’s mouth, this one sticks out to me the most.
“I’m Mr. Got ‘Em ‘fore the L-O
Learned the recipe, gave it to the other fellow
Ask Pony, Marlowe, Hero
He know, I know, she know, he knowwww” – “Dunn Dunn”
Who in the hell is Pony, Marlowe, and Hero, and why should we believe what these dickheads have to say? Im not taking a man named Pony seriously. And unless you’re Asian, Mr. Lo, I’m not taking a man with a two-letter last name seriously. I cant be 100% sure about this, but I can bet you that he used the ‘fellow’ to rhyme with ‘L-O” because he didnt know any other word. This is the same guy that rhymed L-O with ‘dey know’ during an entire hook for an entire song. He must quit this music thing ASAP.
2. Adele – Is she talented? Yes. Has she come out with two really good albums? Yes. Is the nation already tired of the ‘I’m sad because I’m reminiscing over some guy who ended a relationship he made me believe we were in’ story? YES. You’re the White Jazmine Sullivan. You two should take turns crying and making boring videos together. We will postpone your execution to March, but if you dont make a happy song by then, then it’s off with your depressing head.
3. Birdman – Its one thing to be a god-awful rapper. Its an entirely different thing to be a god-awful rapper who doubles as a music executive. Diddy doesn’t embarrass himself on tracks, so there’s no excuse. You’d think some of that talent around him has to rub off, but clearly the theory of osmosis does not apply in the music world. He doesnt even take the time to rhyme in some verses, he just uses the same word at the end of the next sentence. What’s worse is that Birdman has arguably the three hottest rappers on the planet on his roster and doesnt ask them to write you a verse! You know they secretly laugh at you, right? I will not stand another Birdman verse. The next time you open your mouth when there is a mic around better be during an awards show, or you will be asphyxiated December 31st.
4. Lauryn Hill – You selfish cunt. You put out one of the best albums of our generation, follow it up with a fantastic UnPlugged album, and then you call it quits? Then after several years of hyper-breeding, you tell us you’re coming back only to give us a couple lackluster live performances, a few no-shows, and still no album? And we as the public are just supposed to accept this? Hell no. You better be in the booth right now singing your heart out> I dont give a damn if you have to breast feed while making final edits. because the hit is out on you. I dont miss Lauryn Hill anymore, because she doesnt miss us. What is it, you aint got it no more? Well, if you dont, then at least tell us you’re done because this waiting game is gonna get you mirked, B. Get off your Sade swag and sing us a damn song.
5. Raheem Devaughn – As a DC native and someone who enjoyed you in a live performance, it hurts me to say that you are the suffering from a serious identity crisis. First you’re this soulful R&B singer, then you tried using creepy sexual food references in your attempts to crossover (see: “Customer”). Then you become this super sexual singer that creeps out most of your female fan base because you look like a urban Muppet baby. You look like Jahiem and Ludacris’ love child. And now you’re some sort of social activist? Sit down, man. Sit down on an electric chair.You need to return to what got you famous in the first place.
6. Nicole Scherzinger – These reality show judges usually get froggy once they get back into the spotlight. You’ll be in awe of the performances of amateurs, and then you’ll hear the shameless plug of a new single, album, or movie. So Nicole, you are making this list as a preventative measure. I dont want you to *Googles ‘Nicole Scherzinger, looks at her current music releases*…crap, she already did.
You know, maybe we should just kill her agent. Clearly they must have something on everybody in the music industry because how she gets funding for studio time is beyond me. I dont want to hear her. I dont want the speakers in my car to be stained by her voice. So the rule is, if anyone in the industry assists Nicole Scherzinger in her efforts to create more music, you shall die. Immediately.
7. Worldstar Hip-Hop Artists – Look, I understand they’re working with a modest budget, and you have to promote your music by any means necessary. It’s just….how I can explain this…..
…Im not watching your rinky dink WSHH music video. And if I happen to accidentally click on it because it happened to be next to that street fight video I wanted to see, Im giving it about 15 seconds before I turn it off. Maybe I’m missing out on the next big thing, but lets be honest, no Im not. I stand a better chance finding a diamond tennis bracelet in one of my turds. Hate to be a dream killler, but I speak for the WSHH audience when I say ‘Stop with the crappy videos!’
With every Shotguns & Jewelry Post, there is a song for you to enjoy. Let’s bring in this year with a little bit of my own personal favorite, a few live performances from Pentantonix and Afro Blue. Lets bring back the live performance in 2012. Have a happy new year, everybody :-).